Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
