she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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