just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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