i barfeds in our rink
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
