my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
