im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize