I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Randomize
