My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just cropdusted the office
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
