My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
