More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
