My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
