Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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