are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
