Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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