just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
