The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I am midnight drunk by noon
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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