I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
