ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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