I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
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