my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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