i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
