The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
