Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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