Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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