he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
