oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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