I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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