Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She bit a glass in half.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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