do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
