She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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