I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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