I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
