I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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