hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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