Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Randomize
