And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
She bit a glass in half.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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