You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Randomize
