they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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