Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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