I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I could make wine with my vomit
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
