my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
