you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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