Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
