Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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