I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
