Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
What drink are we having for lunch?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
