I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
