So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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