my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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