shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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