are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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