I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
