I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
