Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Hippo gnu deer
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
