Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Randomize
