How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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