he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Houston, we have a blender
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
