sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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