if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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