I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
