on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
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YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
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Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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