I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
